Pea-Brained Platform Pole-Sitters

What is worse than those clods on the subway platform who don’t make room for those exiting the train?

Here’s a fun little stage play from the excellent SubwayStories user-generated blog. I love how the subway doors get a “speaking” part.

  • Subway Intercom: This is your stop!
  • Me: *stands up and waits in front of a set of doors*
  • Doors: *opening*
  • Bastard: *stands right in my path (probably expecting me to move around him so that he can get on and get a seat faster)*
  • Me: *Stands at the door waiting for the impatient bastard to move to the side (as noted by diagrams on the platform) so that I can exit*
  • Bastard: *stands there blocking me*
  • Me: *Stands there waiting* Ummmmm?
  • Bastard: *stands there blocking me*
  • Me: *Stands there waiting* Hmmm?
  • Doors: *closing*
  • Bastard through the door window: *angry as fuck*
  • Me: *BIG GRIN*
  • NOTE: At the next station, I got off the train, crossed the platform, and got on a train going back to my destination. When I got off, the man was still standing on the platform.
  • Me: *Waves to the Bastard and smiles*
  • Bastard from across the tracks: KA-SEKI YOU! *points at me*
  • Me from across the tracks: HEY FUCK FACE! LEARN HOW TO USE THE GOD DAMN SUBWAY! I HOPE YOUR IMPATIENT-AS-ALL-HELL ASS WITH NO MANNERS HAS FUN WAITING 30 MINUTES FOR THE NEXT NON-SHORT-STOP* TRAIN!! I WIN BITCH TITS!!! MAKE SURE YOU TELL YOUR COWORKERS ABOUT ME. ROCK’N’ROLL MOTHERFUCKER!!!!
  • * Because the subway line is so long, the stop two stations after mine is the “short-stop” station. Most trains stop there and then reverse direction. Trains going past the short stop station are few and far between. My train was not a short-stop train. Thats why the bastard was so pissed. I refuse to snake through an impatient crowd when I want to exit the train.

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